On Kindness in Film: An ADHD AD Essay
So I just wrapped...
Hello.
I make a lot of my money as an assistant director in film & television. It used to be most, and maybe still is to a degree but I'm working on diversifying my income now. A long time film friend and kick-ass1st AD recently asked me to 2nd a MOW she was working on. I was (still am) supposed to be writing my series I got some funding for... but it was a quick 10 day shoot with 5 days of prep. And this 1st AD (my pal!) basically has favour privileges on me forever so I said yes. Also the director was chill and I knew he wouldn't scream at anyone.
This woman taught me how to turn a walkie on 12 years ago and if I'm being honest, cut me a lot of slack in the beginning of my lil baby PA career. After calling in "sick" for a number of days (this was over a decade ago people in film didn't do that) I finally told her I had really bad anxiety and "I don't think I can work right now."
She was kind, and just told me to reach out whenever I was ready to work again.
I didn't realize how rare that was in this industry until many years later.
I was sick. Not "sick". I was having trouble getting out of bed. My stomach was bad and I think at the worst of it I was actually throwing up. Now I know I had undiagnosed and untreated ADHD- but back then I just thought I was failing at life. That I couldn't handle it. That something was inherently wrong with me. That I deserved the poor treatment (not from her!) I was subject to as a green little baby PA in the industry.
I eventually told her I was ready to come back, and she booked me. The first day back was a little weird but it was 2nd Unit on a network show and it wasn't a big scary complicated day and I got through it. And each day I was in I got a little smoother, better, and more confident at the job.
Untreated and undiagnosed ADHD in women often manifests as depression and anxiety. Often substance abuse & addictions, impulse spending, extremely poor self-esteem and self-worth, and just not being able to "do the thing" and not understanding why. Or doing the thing in an extemely unhealthy way.
I was a good AD. But I ran on stress and shame and coffee and chocolate and that's just not sustainable. Set has a very urgent and clear schedule. I excelled on set even before my diagnosis - Set PA/3rd AD/Trailer AD. When I first upgraded to 2nd AD, on a major network show, I noticed I had trouble keeping myself on track off set. I just had to have a Call Sheet draft done by lunch time...
After a major life change (the end of a relationship) I took an off set gig (I assumed to be chill, it wasn't) as on Office PA. I had a lot of trouble working in that particular production office, some of which could have been negated with simple accommodations (had I known I had ADHD at the time) and some trouble was just- trouble. It was the worst professional experience I ever had in this industry and after it I felt broken down, gaslit to the brink of my sanity, and honesty, psychologically abused. I was ultimately let go from that position and told I wasn't "the right fit" for that team. I seriously considered leaving the industry permanently after that.
Thankfully, I was the right fit for several other teams after that experience.
After my ADHD diagnosis, which was part of me trying to take care of myself better. I looked to more sustainable and mentally safer jobs in the industry. It became extremely important for me to choose the people, projects & conditions I would be working under. I worked as an Office PA on another show which allowed me a more predictable schedule than the AD Dept- with 10hr days that didn't really fluctuate with call. It was on a higher tier production so though lower pay it was a longer contract and I could do comedy shows and theatre or whatever in the evenings. I could work the hours my ADHD medication worked. I was offered a few 2nd AD gigs on lower tiers but the rate for a harder job was less than my higher tier Office PA job so I had to turn them down. I also really loved the production office team I was working with on that show. It was a great healthy working environment.
I'd really given up on ever getting another 2nd AD gig that I could afford to take.
Then, this friend reached out about a Feature in town. Kids, Tier C. A high enough rate for me to actually leave my steady Office PA gig. You can only work kids so many hours per ACTRA & SAG, so the shoot days are typically shorter. Perfect.
This was my first time 2nding since I was medicated. It was the first time for several years.
I did fine I think.
Something really beautiful happened on that production. A crew member had in their e-mail signature that they had AuDHD- and some instructions to how to interact with them and a link to more information about AuDHD.
Other people started openly disclosing their neurodivergence, myself included. In prep, we all worked out of an open office and I found it difficult to do work that required intense concentration, like breaking down the script. So I added a note on the top of the prep schedules I was making that I would occasionally work from home, but am available by phone or e-mail.
More creatives and crew started asking to be added to that list.
People were unmasking at work. We knew how best to work with each other.
And you know what happened? Everything got done. We made our movie.
I didn't really know what this blog post was going to be about when I started writing it. Which is very #ADHD of me. I think I set out to talk about how weird it is to be back in the world after working intensely on a film project. It's jarring.
I try to take care of myself as best I can now on whatever project- film or otherwise. And sometimes you have to work the 12-14hr days. And for me, I know I just have to plan for a bit of burn out whenever I take on a project like that. ADs are great planners after all.
And I know now that I can't actually do it all. During this shoot - I missed an audition deadline, even after asking for an extension. I missed a deadline to apply to pitch my own series at a film festival. I have so many dishes and so much laundry to do... I haven't really bought groceries in 3 weeks... and I'm sure there are other things I missed... missing.
But I don't beat myself up about it anymore, and that's not nothing.
I hire a cleaner when I need to (and can afford it).
I'm meeting with an ADHD specialist this week to help me with tools and strategies to keep me on track for my own projects and what I like to call "life admin" which often slips when I'm working... I do yoga and learned some grounding techniques if I feel like I'm gonna freak out. I still freak out sometimes but I try to not take it out on anyone and I have tools now to chill.
And I think about the gift my 1st AD friend gave me early on in my career. Kindness.
There's a crowd of people I often work with now- and we all aim to lead "human first".
It doesn't matter what number you are on the call sheet or how many days you've clocked on set.
People do their best work when they feel supported. Bonus if they can have a bit of fun* doing it.
*I could write a whole other essay about how fun is our natural state of learning.
And if I wanna get all AD about it. IMO, it's safer and more efficient too.
I can't change the entire film industry myself, it can be really rough out there. It can also be really wonderful sometimes. I'd like to try and cultivate spaces that are a little kinder, gentler, fun and more sustainable. I think about all the people who struggled and never made it this far- how many voices, storytellers and talented creatives we lost to other industries. Or worse.
That's really what brought me to producing. I mean, I started producing my own work because, well, I wanted to make it, and I was already there.
When I was little I think I wanted to be a popstar. Then I wanted to be a famous actor. Then it was a showrunner. My dream now is a little different.
7 Hours of shooting content. 10hrs max of work a day including prep and wrap out.
The Genny Op has a life. Could join a band or something. Whatever they want.
So I've realized the only way for me to actually achieve this is to become a producer.
And showrunner.
And yeah I'll probably cast myself in it too because I'm the producer and I can do what I want.
But I really have zero desire to become a pop star.
Honestly that feels more like a nightmare than a dream for adult me now.
So thank you for reading all this.
Take care of yourself out there.
Cheers,
-J
Comments